Metamorphosis

Dear fellow readers,

Anxiety is an issue that's taboo or not talked about. I was diagnosed with anxiety/ depression when I was twenty-three years old. It’s easy to blame it on marriage as it was one of the reasons that triggered my anxieties but the reasons always stems from my childhood. And marriage was a dark time in my life. It took a long time to face abuse.

I was raised in a strict, Christian household with the typical Asian, overbearing tiger parents. They believed the best way of discipline was hitting your child but hitting only teaches humiliation and violence not necessarily lessons. I grew up experiencing anger and violence because that’s what my parents showed. I never had a road map to handle emotions because every time I cried or get emotional, my mother just says stop crying, you need to see a doctor or what’s wrong with you?

And yet my mother acts like a troubled two. She loses her temper and screams like a banshee when she gets angry. That just makes no sense to me. Why does my mother tells me that I cannot get emotional and yet she loses all awareness and self-control on her temper? I have no answer and I realised my mother will never give me an answer. It’s sad but that’s the truth.

It’s easy to blame my mother as well when I lose my temper and throw things like she used to. I’ve lost my temper only four times in my life and threw things. She brings out the green monster in me. What our parents do, does affect us but we are in control of ourselves. In order to do better, we have to do better. I am working on it. It’s a work in progress. When I feel irritated, self-talk or scream into a pillow. You have to let that emotion out. It’s unhealthy to bottle it up. Don’t let someone tell you there’s something wrong with you if you get emotional. Once you’ve screamed it out, talk to the person that triggered the issue and raise it. It’s important to communicate how you feel. You can control your emotions and actions. When you get emotional, be aware of what you say in the moment. Words are like toothpaste. Once you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, you cannot put it back in. Words hurt as much as a fist. Bruises do fade but words scare deeper than you know. Unfortunately, my parents have no idea how much their words affect me deeply. They may make or break me. My parents lack empathy but they do have the best intentions.

My ex-husband put me down a lot and didn’t believe in me. He may not have laid hands on me to physically hurt me but verbal abuse is just as painful. I’ve worked on myself through the years and I am thirty-five, turning thirty-six this year in September. I am no longer depressed but anxiety is hereditary so, it will be a lifelong thing to work on. I’ve learned to be happy being alone. I’m usually quite miserable and incessantly need company but these days, I’ve learned to adapt and readjust. I’ve found hobbies and interests to do and mostly, focus on writing my contemporary romance novel. It’s about finding love, learning about love and mostly about growth as a person. I believe self-love is the most important thing. This is why I like the new term that Emma Watson coined, “self-partnered”. A new way of being single. It’s all about self-love, self-respect, self-empowerment. I’ve learned the hard way that you can only rely on yourself because it’s a corrupted and every person for themselves world. And also because everyone has their own issues to deal with, even if your friends say they will be there for you. It’s very important to be emotionally independent because when you need someone the most, those are the times you have to be strong for yourself. When someone gives you advice, at the end of the day, you have to choose what to do for yourself. No one can tell you what to do. It’s all on you. That may sound horrible sometimes but it’s true. Always remember you're not alone and someone's situation may be worse than yours.

I know one thing for certain is that when I do little things to help others or encourage others with inspirational quotes or just try and be there helps along the way. It helps with my anxieties. Facing my fears also helps. I understand that talking about your anxieties helps but that's only half of it. The other half is by finding new things to do.

Until next read... ciao!